The Dead Milkmen had it right....

Life is Shit.

Yeah, so I bet you can guess that things haven't worked out.
I'm not getting to go to the LARP session that is sooo going to rock. No, I guess I should have known it. I just should have known.  I should have realized that life couldn't possibly have been going THAT good for me.

I finished my finals this week (yesterday) and lo and behold Shay called this morning and totally and completely wrecked everything! I swear she's got some kind of mutant-super power that tells her when to do things that will screw up my life the most. Blergh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's coming to pick me up on the 25th (Tuesday!!) and that's it.
She won't let me stay an extra weekend---the gaming weekend--even though Jean's folks offered to have her brother drive me to Quinlan and take my stuff with us. You'd think --I mean, that saves her hassle, so why not? I swear!

I have to go live with her in Quinlan, and try not to throw myself out of her apartment window. Life is so going to suck. No. Actually, suck doesn't even begin to cover it. Blergh!

I'd actually made good headway on my costume, and my props and for what?
What's the point now? I don't even think I can bring them with me since Shay will be all in my business and poking her nose in everything.

I'm going to bring my books with me, but I guess that'll probably be about it. Maybe...if things get sorted there, when I'm actually in classes--I'll make a friend and I can have Jean send the stuff to her. Meh. I mean how freakin screwed up does that sound? It's like I'm committing some kind of crime and trying to avoid getting caught. How come other kids don't have to deal with this kind of crap?

Why am I sooooo "special"? :{
At least I have a password on my laptop, you know? Or else she'd be reading all of this stuff too. Always nitpicking & finding faults.

So now, I have to start sorting through all the stuff I have here at Jeans and in her attic. I'm gonna have to decide what to take with me and what to tell her to keep or sell on ebay if she can. *sigh* Life really is shit.

Game delay:but it's good news, really!

Next weekend we're not gaming at Jeff's.
Finals start on Monday the 13th and Jean and I need to study. I feel it's kind of pointless--I mean I know that unless things really go wrong (for Shay) I'm going to be sitting in a classroom in New Hampshire come start of the next school year. But Jean wants my help, and she's my best friend, so that's what I've got to do. 

Now the good news (dare I say great news!??) is that Jeff and Carla (from group from Genesee Junction) meshed everything out and we're gonna have a total marathon gaming session on the 28th-29th and part of the 30th!

Like with indoor & outdoor gaming, camping and stuff. That's going to be the highlight of my summer, I'm pretty sure! How awesome, right???

We all had to pop in some money towards it (I had to borrow it from Jean's folks) but I still think that is cool. I mean, wow! We're gonna be totally having fun. One their folks has a place on 10 acres--huge, right? and They let them build their own mini freakin village! How cool?? I am so --well I can't get over how cool that's gotta be. Jeff said he'd email us some pics this week if he gets the chance but he said we'd really love it. And who knows, maybe we can do it more regularly (or ok, while I'm still here anyway?)

Only problem is....I still haven't gotten my costume made for any of it. So I guess while I'm asking Jean questions and drilling her, there's no reason I can't do some sewing. Ugh. Handsewing = tech suck! Maybe I can use her sewing machine while I drill her....except I might end up sewing my fingers if I get distracted--and I'm bound to get distracted. Blergh! Well handsewing is better than not sewing at all I suppose. I don't want to be the only one who's gotta wear one of the splodgy old T-tunics from the borrow bin.

Ok I gotta get my rear in gear and face another day of high school hell. I wonder if Josie & Co. managed to find something else to glue to my locker today?

Blergh! Double Bergh! *where are my cookies?*

Sometimes, the only thing in life worth having is food!
See these?

Jean's mom made them for us last night.
Look good, don't they? (Double dark chocolate...Mmmm!)  She said she did it as a treat for us, what with finals and stuff.

Stuff = Shay calling and making a mess of my life.

She made a dozen brownies. Jean ate 2, and I ate the rest.
Yes, I ate TEN BROWNIES in one night! In front of people (not just in the bathroom, by myself).
I just couldn't stop. They tasted so good, and the eating made me not think so much about all the other horrible crap that's going on. And yea, I'm eating a lot. I know I've gained 8-10 pounds in the last month...I'm not that happy about it, but I guess I'm really not that bothered either, or else I wouldn't keep gorging on food, right?

Randi's noticed and commented which I don't really appreciate. I don't comment when he's got a bad spate of zits so why does he feel free to comment on my weight?

Shay's emailed me 4 times now about making plans to go to Quinlan, and telling me what books she wants me to start studying etc. She called last night and I had to talk to her for about an hour --which sucked because I really wanted to watch Game of Thrones. Totally missed it. :(
Stupid Shay. She always has to mess things up. School, tv... whatever.

Anyway the food is good, and it goes a long way towards making me feel better. I mean, I'm going to miss out on my whole senior year, and graduation. And all the fun things like Senior Skip Day, and the Class picnic at Seabreeze Amusement park. How unfair is that?
Blergh.

Double Blergh is the fact that Jean's been really sneaky lately. I don't know what she's hiding but she's made a few comments that make me think she's up to something. When I ask her about it she just says I'm being paranoid. (Not impossible, but still...). Whatever.

And Josie and Co have been making trouble for me.
This morning was just so totally Blergh-tastic. No brownies left, no candy in my back pack and I get to school to find....a present from Josie. I know she did it since she's been giving me saccharine smiles all morning. The wave and grin in homeroom sealed my certainty. 
I'm sorry, but I really fail to see the humor in crazy gluing a dildo to my locker. How is that funny? It's gross. It's pervy. But it's not really funny. (maybe if someone'd drawn a face on it, or dressed it in some barbie clothes it'd have been sort of funny?) The only funny part was watching Ms.Kaplan notice it and go all ballistic. Ha hah hah! At least I didn't get into trouble.
Blergh.
Gimme some more brownies, please?

Sucktakular Sisters and why I wish I were an Only Child

Update. Ye-ah. You remember those tests?
The ones that Shay "arranged" for me to take re:early graduation/early entry to Quinlan University? Yeah. Those.

Got the results back today. I'm in 4th period (study hall again) and I wish I could just skip the rest of the day. I'd like a chocolate milkshake from Denny's and a Reuben sandwich. And a side of curly fries. And a piece of apple pie. With ice cream. I wonder if I can get Jean to skip 6th period to go for that?

Ok, ok back to the morning's news: 
Mr.Andrews called me to his office during second period and told me they'd had the results and that they were very good (except my math which is only average/low). He kept smiling and being so polite and cheerful about the whole thing. You know, he really thinks I want to graduate early! How dense are guidance counselors? I mean, really!
What he told me is that with the test results in hand, my previous academic record (very good/honor student) that I won't have any problem getting it approved. So great. Just great. Can you see my joy overfloweth? (If there was anti-joy I'm probably oozing that).

I can't be happy about this, even if it does mean I wouldn't have to deal with the bullying here next year...I mean, it might be worse at the university. I heard that a lot of universities and colleges have problems with hazing. I bet if they do that at Quinlan I'll be like prime-a-number-1 target. *sigh*

The only plus is that I don't have to worry so much about next week's Final Exams. I mean, if I passed these tests so well, I probably have most of the material down, right? (aside from math. That crap just goes in one ear and out the other.)

Whatever. Jean told me to look on the bright side--that there are usually more kids into social things and I'll probably find people who want to game & play RPGs with me. I hope she's right. I really do, since I think that, and reading will be the only fun I have there. If I get in.
If. I. Get. In.

Huh. What if despite my grades and all that I don't? Wouldn't that be great? (I mean, in the sense that I could stay here and finish out school? and have a REAL senior year???) I know, the chances are slim. Shay works there, she's probably doing all she can to make it happen.
I just wish she'd stayed out of it. In another year and a half I'd be old enough to be independent and move out. Out of her control. Now...Instead of living hundreds of miles away I'll be in the same town, in the same school. In the same building?

Blergh!
I wish I'd been an only child!

Green mist and dreams

Had the weirdest dream last night.
jhnI guess I might have been doing too much reading. I'll try to describe the dream/what was going on. It was sort of like watching a movie and seeing the actor/character but also sort of being him/her at the same time. Like stereo-existence. Not sure.

I don't know how it started, I just remember parts of it.
It was late, and it was dark and I was walking through a dark alleyway. I guess it was the city, and there was a kid of foggy mist in the air which made the few street lights have a haze around them. It felt dangerous and i was scared although I don't really have a clue why. I heard footsteps echoing on the pavement and although I looked around I couldn't see where they'd have been coming from. Something made me want to run, to flee and I started walking faster, then faster as I heard the footsteps increasing in pace.
I ran around a corner and saw this woman, she looked like maybe she was Amerasian, and she was holding this--thing--I can't really think what it was. it was sort of oblong, and it glowed green--like you'd think toxic waste should be, you know? And there was this thrumming that seemed to come out in pulsing waves from the thing. I could still hear the footsteps coming up behind me but they didn't seem as important as the glowing thing.
The more I stared at it the more important it seemed and there were these smoky, misty tendrils...like the fog in the air was coalescing around it and growing...they seemed to reach out and wrap around me, little points of pain where they touched. I just stood there and the woman was oblivious to me, and I was stuck. like paralyzed by the things. I couldn't hardly see through the haze and I was falling. It seemed to take an eternity but my face hit the ground and even the way the gritty asphalt felt was weird. I heard the footsteps come up beside me but I couldn't see through the mist.

I'm not sure exactly what happened then.
But I saw all sorts of runes glowing in the air brighter green against the darker foggy green of the thing.  They seemed to grow brighter turning almost white in the night and it seemed like they were eating away at the green haze. The thrumming sort of quieted and got less --urgent, I guess. I was still stuck on my side, on the ground. It was cold and I remember feeling damp and uncomfortable and I felt a hand shake my shoulder.

Then I woke up.

Weird, huh?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOKS!

Awww, who can't love a guy who gives you books?
Randi showed up to tutor me this afternoon and he had a package with him (and while yes, he did have that kind of package, that's not what I'm talking about you perv!) He brought me a present!!!
BOOKS!
Yay!

Even better, he's obviously listened to me when I'm talking about stuff because he got me not just any old books, but books I wanted! He got me 6 books from the Dresden Files (books 2-8) so I'm finally going to get to read them! And he got me Four Robin Hobb books (Dragon Keeper, Dragon Haven, Shaman's Crossing and Forest Mage. I'm soooooooooooooooooooooo going to be reading this week!

No matter what else, I'm a happy girl today!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOKS!

Ch-ch-champions!

Despite all my worries and everything else I had a really great time last night!

Trin ran Champions for us and it was good. It was us (The Metro Avengers) up against some evil minions. We kicked ass although Volt (my electrical powered girl) got her ass kicked too. Something about being grounded. I can't say that I was tracking everything through the night since I was still pretty tired, but hey, coca cola, little debbie snack cakes, and dominos pizza go a loooooooooong way!

I think we should try to play champions more often maybe switching off from AD&D every couple weeks. I think it might be better. It's kind of more light hearted than the current campaign we're on. Maybe I ought to mention it next week and see what everyone else thinks.
I'm going downstairs now, going to have some cereal and then I'm going back to bed for as long as I can.

Tired! Sooooo Tired!

I'm so tired! I think I got about an hour of sleep before Jean woke me up. She was all over wanting to know where I'd been. And yes, thankfully, she'd covered my ass with her parents. Yay!

We're going to hit the store before we go over to Jeff's for gaming. I need to pick up a 6 pack of coke or there's no way I'm going to be able to stya awake through the session. I hope Trin decides to run Champions. I don't really want to play star wars, and I think playing with the Metro Avengers (Our team from the last time we played) would be fun (and not too taxing).

So, should I try to call Randi today?

Wild night

Where do I begin?

Oh, maaaan. Where do I begin?
The beginning? Yea, ok.
I didn't get home until about 5am. I'm going to be in a world of trouble if Jean didn't cover for me last night. I really hope she did.I'll find out when I go down to breakfast...later.

Things didn't go quite as I'd planned last night.
First of all, Randi and I skipped Denny's. We decided to just go to the park and hang out. It was really nice and we just talked. He listened to me ranting about the crap Shay's pulled. At least he understands why I'm so bothered. Although he did say I ought to look at it as an opportunity. It's a good school he says. *shrug *
I guess. I'd feel better about that if I'd been the one making the decision.

So last night, we were hanging out in the park. We walked around for a while, looked at the stars and stuff. That was romantic. It was probably about 10:30 and Randi said he'd better get me home. I kissed him instead. And things kind of went from there. I know what you're thinking--but you're wrong. I didn't have sex with him! I just...we just sort of cuddled. and a bit more.
Would I have had sex with him? Yea, if there'd been someplace other than the car. But he couldn't take me back to his parents, and I couldn't take him back to Jean's and I didn't want to do it in the bushes.
But it was really nice anyway. Maybe even nicer because we didn't. I told him to think about it, and that I'd like him to be my first. But I want a proper bed so he'll need to figure that out.
Ha ha. He can figure that out while I try to pass my finals next month, avoid Josie & co, Shay and all the rest of the nastiness in my life.

Did I mention that he really, really knows how to use his hands?
I bet Jean is gonna wake me up as soon as she gets up to find out what happened! LOL

Tests Taken, Worlds forsaken

Took the stupid tests today.
I didn't throw them even though I guess I should have... I think I probably did ok on them, but they weren't really what I was expecting. I was expecting them to be more like the SATs but they were sort of--but peppered with things like the shrinks give you for personality tests. I don't know.

Anyway, the good news is that Shay's gone and it's Friday night.
Randi's gonna take me out to Denny's in a bit and after to the park, and tomorrow the group is gaming again. Thank god for that, seriously. I so need that after this week. I don't even care what we play (I don't think it'll be Ad&D this time, since last time Trin mentioned wanting to run something and he only does Sci-fi stuff. Maybe we'll play Champions or Star Wars or something. I just don't care right now. I just want to play and forget everything else.

Why fix it if it's not broken? AKA My sister-- ruler of my life :(

Wtf is my sister trying to do to my life? What!???
So she came into town on Monday and met me at school. I still wasn't clear on why exactly she was there. I didn't actually find out until Tuesday when I was in the office with Mr.Andrews and her. Then it came out. She'd been deciding what to do with me / deciding how I should live my life.

Essentially, she'd applied earlier in the year for me to be able to skip a grade. I feel really, really, no--utterly---retarded. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner.
With the exception of Algebra II all of the classes I'm taking are at AP level.
Stupid, Stuuuuuuuuupid. Increeeeeeeeeeeeedibly Stuuuuuuuuuuuuupid!

It's horrible.
And they aren't even listening to what I have to say. Wtf? Why even have me there in the first place if they're going to ignore me anyway?
This is so wrong! My sister, the college professor is schmoozing her way and blergh! Double Blergh!

Jean suggested that I could throw the tests (I have to take some kind of tests on friday) but I think it wouldnt matter. Shay's obviously determined about this, so I might as well lump it. I'd like to know how she managed to square it with her job. I mean, I'm a good student (now that my 3.89 is a few points closer to 4.0 thanks to Randi's tutoring) but I'm not exactly Ivy league material. And I'm only a junior. Early admission to Universities should be hard, right?

So what's she done?
How's she managed to get them to consider me at least? She wouldn't tell me other than to say that come August I'd have to go with her to Quinlan for a final interview. If that works out I'll start then, if not then I get shoved into some local High school there, in New Hampshire. WTF? Can't I even have my senior year at Rochester? I've been here for all 3 years so far. It isn't fair.
I so totally hate her!

Deities & Demi Gods: yes! yes! Yes!!!

I loooooooove Jean!
She's really and truly the best friend I could ever have! *happy dance* She got me a surprise gift (isn't that awesome? It IS, but not as awesome as the gift!)
This is what she got me:

I know, I'm totally geeking out here --but awesome, isn't it?
This is something I've been wanting for a while but haven't gotten--and I swear Jeff's been pulling it out on the weekends just so I could stare at it and want it!  She gave it to me tonight at the gaming session and I think I must have really made everyone laugh cos I was so excited I actually jumped up and went "Woo!"

She told me she got it for a reasonable price, and that I should enjoy it. That the last few months have been crummy (the whole thing with Josie & Co) and that this is for me. Plus, she knows that Shay's coming soon and neither of us think anything good can come of that!

Shay Strikes Back

I knew it was just too good to be true--that my sister, Shay was keeping quiet and (mostly) out of my life. It turns out that she's been talking to my teachers on the phone about how I'm doing and what kind of grades I've been getting. Blergh!

It's a good thing that Randi's been able to help me with the math as much as he has (although with the other stuff....not so much so.

He hasn't exactly pushed me for more, but you know.
I feel like he expects it. And I don't want to.) Huh. It's probably good that Shay doesn't know about that either--she'd probably lock me up in a nunnery somewhere after she chewed Randi to bits and spit him out.

So she's coming to town on the 16th to have a conference with my counselor, and she said something about tests I have to take. I thought she meant my finals (those are next month! Eeeek!) but now I'm not so sure.  I guess I'll find out then. But it sucks that she's going to be here. She'll be watching everything and telling me how everything I eat is going to make me fat(ter). Blergh! Like anyone cares, you know?

Iskara: Ambassador from Darkmoors

Get that, sounds good, right?
Jeff emailed me some info last night with more info about what the sessions'll be about. I'm psyched since Iskara gets to be someone important this time in the scheme of things (must be all that secret spying and dealing I was doing, eh? hehe!) of course last time I was the junior ambassador, and since then I got a promotion (and Briana died mwhaha)

So I've been chosen to represent the Principality of Darkmoor to the court of Yovaak the Red. I'm supposed to be on a mission about trade agreements, and stuff but really, Iskara is supposed to meet one of her spy informants, and even better yet, arrange for the assassination of Yovanak and his heir. Get that! Cool, right? It's been left up to me if I'm going to try to do it myself, or if I'm going to try to use some of my agents. Coolness, right?

Well I need to get a move on in the sewing department. I Made a new pair of pirate-pants & a tunic, but I haven't even started the dress (ok Jean and I think we've worked out a pattern for it, but I still have to sit down at the machine and piece it together--and well, Math, and Randi kind of cut into my sewing time. But I'm promising to buckle down---maybe I can get it done by the end of next week?
Anyway, this is roughly the dress I'm trying to make (with fixes for my chest--I gotta make it so I can definitely wear my bras under it since I can't make a corset).

Just pretend the boobs are bigger and that's what it'll hopefully look like (well, except of course, it'll be blue and the belt is silver and all around the hemline is trim, and the buttons are silver too.) It's a bit ambitious for me, but why not?

Iron Hard....and Groping

Soooo. Randi picked me up tonight and we went over to Cinema 12 to catch Iron Man 3.
I was totally excited and trying not to be. Partly because well, Robert Downey JR is hot (even for an old guy!), partly because my date is hot, and hello, I thought--I'm holding the winning ticket! I didn't think it could get better than that, I really didn't.

About the movie...I'm not sure how much I can comment on. It rocked, and I definitely want to see it again (it was even nicer since Randi paid for it and I didn't have to--although I guess I actually did pay for it since I bet he's using the money he gets for tutoring me. Huh. Is that ethical?)

Ok, and at what point to I admit to being more interested in the movie, than in what Randi's arms/hands were doing?  I know he's hot, and I assume he knows it too, but we're watching a movie. Like, a movie that was actually interesting AND funny, and every couple of minutes his hands were on my shoulders, or my neck or playing with my hair.

Errr.... Not to be rude, but it was a gooood movie.
I dunno. The opening. I mean, if he was just taking me there to try to make out with me we could have gone another night, one that you know---wasn't packed to overflowing with people? I think the guy sitting next to me was getting irritated by how often I kept shifting in my seat. It wasn't really the romantic sort of place you want to try to get your kiss, you know? Maybe it is if you're an exhibitionist, but I'm not, so it wasn't working for me.

So at about the point that pepper potts was getting thrown across the room Randi leaned in and started kissing my neck. Um...........Um. Um, what?
Fair's fair that OMG it felt good. Ok? I can admit that. (again, I'm not liking the audience being able to see me better than the freakin movie) but at the same time I really just wanted to push him away and smack him. I really, really wanted to see the movie...
On the other hand, I did want to get kissed.
I guess I wanted my cake and the chance to eat it too?

Whatever.  We're leaving the movie & heading for his car. He's got a little Nissan, and I wouldn't mind having one like it (yea, right. Shay won't let me have a part time job, she sure as hell won't let me get a car!)

So we're in the car and he turns to me and says, "So what now?"
I think I looked like a dork because I was assuming he was talking about the kissing and stuff. So I shrugged a bit and gave him a smile. Now that we were out of the public eye I didn't mind getting kissed.  Instead, he says: "Do you want to go right home, or wanna grab something from Denny's?"
Um. Neither. I wanted the dork to kiss me.
*sigh*
It didn't happen.

So I said Denny's was fine (who can resist a place that serves pancakes 24-7?) and off we went. It wasn't really that bad, or as awkward as I expected, since we sat and pretty much talked about the film. I'm honestly surprised how much he caught of it, considering that he was gnawing on my neck for a lot of it! Who can understand the way guys function? Sure as hell not me!

It turned out ok after all though, since we laughed a lot and joked. He dropped me off, and yes, we actually kissed in the car. Very nice, considering, even if it wasn't particularly romantic or anything.

Something rotten in the state of Denmark

I guess I should have known that things were going too smoothly at school.
Josie & Co have started giving me a hard time again. Or at least I assume it's them. I got to school this morning and someone'd crazyglued a bunch of condoms to my locker. How gross is that? (Jean says I should just be happy they weren't used condoms! Blergh!)

I mean come on, it's not like I sleep around (I'm too afraid to. And besides, I don't think there's anyone in the whole school I'd trust to do that with. And not have it end up on youtube or prontube or whatever).

So what's brought this on?
Is it just the fact that they've left me alone long enough that I thought it was over and now they're starting it up again? Ugh. I so hate it when people screw around with me. I have enough things to worry about. Algebra for one. Finals are next month and while I'm sure I'll pass English & the rest with no problem (ok, a little unsure about my spanish) I'm worried about Math, and Chemistry since I am not concentrating so well and I keep messing up on the practice stuff.
Jean says not to let them get to me, and that if I ignore it that they'll get bored (again) and move on to someone else. I know she's right, but it still grates.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Maybe I AM living in Fantasy land!

Randi asked me out on a date! Yes, Hot-but-Mathgeek asked me out tonight! *dies with shock*
He said Iron Man 3 opens on Friday, and maybe we should go see it!???!!??????

Wow, am I like excited?
Why, yes, yes I am!

Randi's smart, hot and he's turned out to be a really nice guy (with a lot of patience when it comes to getting that algebra crap to stick in my brain!). Better yet, he's just turned 18 last week (I felt kind of bad I didn't know and gave him a card I made this week). I wonder if the card is what made him ask? So he's 18 and he's got a car--so no bussing it to the movie!
Plus, well, you know, he might just kiss me too!

Ok, now I'm sure I sound like a total dolt.
I'm going to try to focus on something else for a while! Yay! Go me!

Wish I lived in fantasy land!

Last night (tonight/this morning?) gaming session was awesome.Fantabulously so!
Larry did a great job and wow.
I just can't get over how tense it was. He'd gone out of the way to get some mood music and set the lights low in the basement. It was creepy, cold (thanks to the AC) and spooky. Jean managed to wrack up some major pointage (who says girls can't play dirty, huh?) and I think by next session or two she'll be up a level. No so for my character, but that's ok. I'm still on a buzz, it was great. Plus we had major snack-age. Yum! And after Trin, Jean, Jeff, Wendy and I all went to Perkins for coffee. It was way late when we finished, but Wendy was talking about how her classes are (she's at RIT doing scary computer tech shit) and Trin was talking about how the Dungeon and how it'd be cool if with all the new/old 3-d tech they did a D&D type movie with it. Like the superhero movies that are coming out, but you know, with dragons and wizards. I'd definitely go and see it (well, as long as it was better than some of the crap fantasy movies that came out in the past, anyway).
Nights like this totally make up for the nights I have to spend studying algebra and crap.

Sewing for the boob-challenged

Remember I mentioned a while back that Jeff said he was gonna try to set up something with the LARPers over in Genesee Junction? Well it looks like it'll be next month. Yay!
The basics of it are that essentially our group is arriving at the High Court of Muckey Muck (Yea I didn't pay a lot of attention to that) and that we'll need some various supplies, as well as "court acceptable" costumes! Woo, right?

Last time we had a session of larping was in an Elven court and the only courtly clothes I could find was an old prom dress from goodwill. (Jean said it was ok, but Galadriel's gown it wasn't) So this gives me a chance to put something better together. And thanks to Jeans mom, I actually have some fabric to do it with.

So I'm sketching out some ideas, the only thing is that I'm "bosomy" (errgh) and they stick out and all those nice a-line dress patterns don't look right when I try to adapt them to me. Jean has an old pattern (the ones that simplicity put out when the first LOTR movies came out) and it works great for her (cos she's small and petite and shaped right). I can't use it for me so Jean and I are working on drafting a pattern for me this week after school (and around the stupid tutoring sessions) and I want to have the mock up done asap. Thanks to Jeans mom (again!) for giving us some of the old sheets to cut up and use. I didn't want to risk the blue fabric and find out I'd screwed up, you know?

Otherwise, things have been going ok. Josie & Co have been leaving me alone (totally blanking me--which I prefer so I think I'm happy!) and Shay's still away doing her training or whatever.
I'll update with my sewing stuff asap!

Make sense of it, huh?

How can someone so cute be so interested in something as dull and boring as math?
I met Randi today after school in the public library.
He definitely falls into the hottie category. Very easy on the eyes.
So please, can someone tell me why he would be a total and utter math geek?
(I probably shouldn't judge since I'm an english geek, I guess)
But I'm pretty sure my eyes don't light up and get all excited looking when I talk about noun-verb sentence structure and crap.  Randi on the other hand--he starts talking about algebra (he thinks it won't be any trouble to get me up to speed) he gets all happy looking--it makes me wonder if Math is like pron to him, or what.
So our first session was 15 bucks, and I have to have two of them a week (35 bucks. See, I can so do math!) This comes out of the already small "allowance" that I get from Shay via Jean's folks. It sucks, but there it is. This means less money for Larp garb, food, treats & books.
Just for stupid math, for a GPA that I don't know if it really matters anything about in the long run.
Looking on the bright side, at least Randi is nice to look at. And he's pretty patient too.

All good things come to an end

So I didn't post at all during the break. Sue me. I was really busy, between sewing new garb for larp-ing, hanging out with Jean, and reading. It was really great to have a break from all the BS. On the other hand, I also got a new math tutor, and had to talk to Shay for a bit.

First, about Shay: she basically called to tell me she was going on some kind of course for work and that she'd be out of contact for like 2 weeks or more. Big deal. Like I want to talk to her anyway, you know? She bitched about me needing new glasses (no surprise there), and she gave me the info for the tutor. His name is Randi, and he's a student at Kensington Prep. Apparently he's super math-geek. So whatever. I'm supposed to meet up with him on Monday (this week.)

Good news, is that Jean's mom finally caved in about wrecking our larp outfits in the wash last month. So she took us to Joanne Fabrics, and then to Patricia's Fabric House. Talk about some awesome fabrics! I can't imagine the day I'd ever be able to pay 20$ for a yard of fabric (oh, but it was sooooo gorgeous!) I can dream about that though. Gorgeous. So she told us that we could each have 50 bucks to spend to replace what was ruined. That's just way cool. Shay would never _ever_ do something like that.
Jean got a couple of different things, and I managed to find some nice blue fabric--enough to make an arwen type dress out of, and some brown & black fabric that I'm going to use to make a replacement tunic out of. Jean and I went halves on two spools of trim (it's awesome old gold looking on black with smaller bits of brighter gold all in a kind of semi woven/wavy pattern) then after that we hit the Goodwill and Jean found a pair of drapes made of velveteen  and I found an old pewter mug. Awesome, right?

So we've got a lot of sewing to do! Yay!

This week could we end the world?

So much for being optimistic.
The whole Josie thing blew up and made it the week from hell. First, the whole BS with my underwear, then Shay with the tutoring *which is supposed to happen 2x a week* and then more with stupid Josie and Kirk the assholes who lord it over the rest of us nobodies.

I'm not gonna go into it all in much detail (I really would like to erase the whole thing from my brain) but it's Friday afternoon, I'm hiding in the library with my laptop, and I'm just gonna stay here for a while. Once I know most of the kids have gone home (about half an hour or so) I'll leave and catch the city bus home. Besides, I want to get this out of my system before tomorrow's gaming session.

Josie, Pam & Tina Fay cornered me in the 2nd floor girls bathroom Thursday morning. I was on a hall pass from Kimball's Algebra (My eyes were glazing over and I'm pretty sure I drooled on the desk. Yea, I was falling asleep. So I figured the best thing to do was just get up and throw water on my face etc.) Doing that's been the only thing that's kept me awake at all this semester. Something about math just makes my brain shut down.

Back to the bathroom. I was in there washing my face when who comes in but the posse? So I'm uncomfortable, but I figure I'll just brazen it out, and get back to class. I mean, what can they really do that they haven't already? (throwing soda on me, pulling my shorts down, mocking me in general) but I was wrong. There's ALWAYS something else they can do.

Tina Fay says something like :"Look what dragged itself into our Ladies Room" and of course then the other two start laughing. I shouldn't really have been afraid, but Pam's something of an amazon and I have no doubt she'd take me down without putting  a hair out of place, or breaking a nail. And her nails have a rep around school. I didn't say anything, just started for the door when Pam grabbed my shoulder and swung me around.

"Din't anyone ever tell you it's rude to turn your back?" and the next thing I know, she's got my arm twisted behind my back and is making me kneel on the floor.  It's painful. I don't care what people say about "oh it's only twisted arm, it can't hurt that much." Screw you! It hurts like a bastard! Anyway, I'm kneeling on the crappy tile floor (it's gross. Supposed to be white and green, but it's like grey and algae colored from age and too many uses).  I'm pretty sure at this point that one of them is gonna try to hit me. But no. Instead, Josie puts her face in mine and just stares at me.
I mean, wtf?
So I start thinking maybe this'll be ok.(aside from the arm thing, and the fact that my jeans are getting all icky from the floor).
I was wrong.

Tina Fay stepped forward, looked me in the eyes and then grabbed my hair and yanked my head sideways. I felt hair rip out of my head and my eyes teared up (I've made it a big thing to not cry at school if I can help it since it just makes jackals like them get more excited).

Then Josie says to me: "You're a lot of trouble, Raven. You don't really understand how kind we've been to you." I really wanted to spit in her face--you know, like the hero does in the movies--but I was pretty sure if I did I was gonna get the shit beat out of me. So maybe next time (after I study some kind of secret martial art, yea?) instead I just said "It sure doesn't seem like it from where I am."  She got this weird little smile on her face and I swear, I think she was getting off on it. Freak.
"Do you know, Kirk and his teammates are more than willing for you to entertain them. All I'd have to do is have Pammy cart you off behind the gym. Text 'em and they'd line up for a go at you. If I were a mean girl, I'd do it just to watch."


Was this for real? Was I trapped in some kind of horrible, reform school/B movie? She might do it. Like I said, Josie likes to see how people squirm. And I had no doubt that the guys on the team would be up for it. I wouldn't but I'm sure that wouldn't matter. Was Josie that screwed up? I don't know, but I knew I didn't want to take the chance. So I did what anyone (who isn't a super hero) did, which is I played the way she wanted.


"Please, I don't--please don't!" I'm embarrassed to say that the desperation that was in my voice wasn't faked. I really didn't want to end up another legend of the school. And I'm sure that people'd love to see it as a follow up to the panty show. :{ I (apparently) was reacting the way she wanted because Josie stroked my face once, and then lifted my head up by my chin. I could feel the tears in my eyes (that arm hold was really throbbing and I was afraid. I think it's ok to be afraid in that situation, don't you?)

The door to the bathroom opened and a freshman came in. I've never seen such a quick turn around and exit. So much for help from that quarter. Not that I really expected it, but it would have been nice, you know?

Josie looked into my eyes and then she slapped my face hard. Then she did it again, and  I mean like really hard. And I felt her ring scrape the skin on my face. Another slap. And another. Things went a bit screwy for me then, and I guess I must have said or did something that freaked them out because the next thing I know Josie & Tina Fay were backing up toward the door and looking all pale and scared, and Pam was lying on the ground with blood coming out of her nose. WTF?

 I tried to say something but I just stared and felt all shaky. I was trembling. The looks they were giving me were like I was going to rip their throats out or something. I didn't know about doing that--but I figured I'd take the advantage and make a swift exit.

I scrambled to my feet, shoved them both out of my way and sprinted down the corridor.
I ran downstairs to my locker, and grabbed my backpack, my laptop and snuck out of school. I took the bus to the city library. There was no way I was gonna go back to school, and I hung out there until about 7pm (Jean called to find out where I was).

I'm still not sure exactly what happened, or why, or what Josie's beef is with me, but maybe whatever it is that happened to put that look on their faces will be enough to keep her from bothering me again.
I just wish I knew what it was.

Need I say that I did NOT want to go to school today? Yea, it's friday, and yea, it's spring break next week (Yay, a week of reading and avoiding mockery & physical weirdness, thank you universe!). But I'll tell you honestly, I've been scared since yesterday. I'm on edge and shaky. Jean commented about it, and I gave her a super watered down version (nothing she can do about it so why tell her too much, you know?) and she was sure that I'd be fine and that Josie & co were just screwing with my head.

Today, I didn't hold out a lotta hope. Things didn't seem too bad. Started on a good note by the fact that Josie wasn't in homeroom. Which meant at least I didn't have to face her first thing. In fact, I didn't see her or Pam, or Tina Fay today. huh. In English I got my paper back on Vanity Fair and did ok. Ms.Hyde doesn't like to give anything over a B so getting an A- is pretty good. Got my math test back and did not get a B. I got a freakin C-.

Anyway, between 5-6th period I was in my locker and someone shoved me really hard. I hid my head on the shelf, cut my cheek AND ended up screwing up my glasses frames. So I'd had to find some tape to hold the arm back on. Assholes. I don't know how I'm going to explain that to Shay. ugh.
It's almost time to head home (can I say again, how glad I am that my last class of the day is a study hall?) and I'm going to totally eat whatever I want this weekend. I need some treats to make up for the crapload of horror this week has been.

In another 40 minutes it'll be time to leave and I'm so going to ditch the school bus, stop off at 7-11 and buy a giant ass slurpee. I deserve it!

Books and Me: a writer wannabe

I don't mention it a lot, but I do a massive amount of reading.
I read between classes, during lunch, on the bus home, at home, in the bathroom, in bed. Whatever. I do watch TV but not so much. (Partly because watching the TV means doing it in the den with whoever is in there) and partly because not so much of it appeals to me.  Yea, I guess I'm a TV snob. I said it, you happy now?

Back to the books. Real, paper books. I don't have a kindle or an ipad or a nook (maybe for xmas??)
I'm a student & I'm strapped for cash most of the time. So what I read either comes from the city library, the school library (which is teh suck), and the few gifts I get from my friends (they all know I love gift cards to B&N & Amazon more than anything else).  And hey, I'm careful about those--when I buy books on amazon I buy used, and I try to get as much as I can for as little as I can.  (Don't even go there with me about getting a part time job, ok? Shay won't let me, and keeping up my gpa (it's 3.89--not 4.0 yet) so whatever.

I randomly picked some books last month. I got them in the mail and been slowly working my way through them (slowly is the operative term-I can read a 500 page novel in less than a day, so I have to limit myself to how much I can read each day--otherwise I'm stuck with no books to read. *sigh *

I picked these up:
The Seer King (Chris Bunch)
The Demon King (Chris Bunch)
Storm Front (Jim Butcher)

I just finished the Seer King this weekend and it was pretty good. I like his writing style even if, I'm not all that interested in the war related bits (which ok, do make up a lot of the story). I like the fact that it moves quickly, and that all the different cultures/societies/sets he uses feel real, like you could find whole other books related to them (there aren't though).  The main protagonist is Damastes a Cimabue, basically a warrior who means well, loves his job and is struggling with his oaths to his friend/boss Liahs Tenedos. I'm not gonna spoil the book for you (incase anyone reads it) but it was good, and I started the sequel tonight. Yea, I know I'm kind of screwed since I didn't buy the last one in the series and it'll be a few weeks /month or so before I get enough to buy more from Amazon.
I always have that problem. One word of warning, there's at least one really steamy sex scene in it that I'd be worried if jean's parent's read it. So don't read it in class, yea?

Jim Butcher's Stormfront was really a lot better than I thought it would be. It moved at a pretty good pace (Thanks Jeff for suggesting them) and Harry Dresden is actually a guy I'd give a damn about if something happened to him in the story. The humor and dry wit in the book go a long way, as does the action. Yea. I don't generally go in for detective /crime novels but since this is a wizard detective it was worth a go. Am glad I did, though I'm gonna have to find more money to get more of the series. There're about 11 books in the series so far. Heh.

Anyway, it's time for dinner soon and it's "family night" here at the Warner household. So I gotta go down and do the family thing with Jean & her parents. See ya.

Why do I bother?

You've got to ask yourself sometimes, why bother?
I really can't explain why I didn't skip school today.
I should have.
It'd have been a much better day, and maybe, just maybe I'd feel ok. Instead I'm here, in Jean's room, stuffing my face with hostess cupcakes, pringles, Swiss rolls and coke. And I'll probably balloon up 10 pounds next week. Oh yay.

I wish I could explain to Jean's folks what's going on. Jean gets it, but she's sort of stuck. If she opens her mouth against Josie & Co then they'll start in on her, and well, who wants that?

 So after yesterday, I really didn't think things could be worse--or more embarrassing.
I was wrong. I doubt I could have been more wrong if I'd tried.

Let me explain something. Josie Carson is evil. And she's probably one of the reasons my sister put a block on my talents before our folks went MIA. Josie lives to make people miserable. Not (IMO) because she wants to see them miserable, so much as I think she likes to see them squirm and try to cope with the problems she gives them. Now I managed to get her attention and I'm so much fun to watch that I'm getting the special treatment.

 Enter Tina Fay and Pam. In the gym hallway. Tina Fay and Pam came down the hallway between 3/4th period. It was pretty crowded with kids going to and coming out of the locker-rooms.  To be honest I wasn't really watching, since I was in a hurry to get to the locker-room myself. I like to get in and get changed before too many girls get in. I don;'t like changing in public, you know? I had my clean gym clothes with me in my back pack and I was just hoping since it was raining we'd do some free-play in the gym instead of v-ball or something spaztic like dodge ball.

I really should have paid attention.
I got into the girls locker-room and I threw my bag down and started to change.
I was hurrying up--shucking off my jeans, slipping on my shorts and then the fast-pull off of my sweater and on with the school tee shirt (Go Panthers! *not!*) anyway, I was trying to hurry back into the gym (through the hallway again) and wondering if Marie was going to be in class today (since she was my preferred gym partner)  and the next thing I know someone's got my shorts and I feel like a little kid. I'm trying to move forward----but no movement.
It dawns on me about the same time the air hits my ass that there are hands --well Tina Fay and Pam had grabbed and yanked and my shorts were down and everyone could see super-clearly my wal-mart granny panties. I yanked my shorts back up and shoved past the pair of them, but I know anyone who was in the hall would have seen.

The rest of the day I kept getting asked if I was going to start modeling for Victorias Secret--or if the secret was the size of my pants! I'm so embarrassed, angry and frustrated. I'd kill Tina Fay in a heartbeat if she was in front of me and I could get away with it. But as it is, I know that Josie put her and Pam upto it, told them to do it. I'm sure there are photos of it on youtube or facebook by now.

I'm just glad it's friday, and I don't have to face those jerks for the weekend.  Jean's trying to cheer me up, and suggested we hit JoAnn Fabrics tomorrow. She thinks we might find some new trim to put on our larping garb. Right now though, I wish I could just be invisible for the rest of the school year.

Blarg. Or when things just go terribly wrong

Jean's mom must have meant well, but she went through our room (since Jean & I share) and she found our larping stuff that we'd put to one side. She threw it in the wash and my tunic is totally wrecked. >:()

The trim came off (raveled up and frayed at the same time--I don't know how it managed that) and it shrank. A lot. So now I have to make a new outfit. I'm trying to get jean to help me guilt her mom into paying for the fabric and stuff. I mean, if she hadn't touched it, I'd still have it--and be able to wear it, right?

At least I have a few weeks to get things sorted. Jeff's not gonna run the next larp until then.
Anyway, I need to get ready for school. Yesterday I didn't see Josie around and her minions left me alone for the most part. Except for the underwear remarks. I can handle those though. Let's hope today goes ok.

Math trouble = Money trouble

So I'm totally not doing ok in Algebra.
I ought to be doing much better but I can't quite get it. I think it's stupid that I have to take the class (and pass it) since I don't want to be a scientist, or a math geek. I just want to write. You don't have to do much math for that---and besides, that's what calculators are for, right?

Anyway, my interim report put me into trouble. I don't think Jean's parents care too much one way or the other, but the fact that they made me call Shay with the results is another thing all together. Shay, predictably, went apeshit. On & on with the lecture about how was I going to get into a college with that kind of grade, and did I really think my GPA was going to be enough to get me any kind of financial aid package? And on. Ad nauseum.

So now I have to get a tutor.
And yea, I DON'T think that a C is hideous. I mean, it could be a lot worse (like an F). Shay's going to call the school tomorrow and arrange something. Blerg. I don't want to give up any of my free time to sit down and do extra math. It sucks. Plus Shay was on about how tutoring will be expensive & I need to pay extra attention etc so that I won't need so much of it. Money, money, money.
If I were rich I'd buy a place in the Catskills and live there and just write books and drink coke & eat Ben & Jerry's!

Why can't people just mind their own business?

What is it that makes the popular people at school feel they are entitled to make everyone else's life hell?

Come on, really?

*sigh* Today was totally a crap day.
First there was a pop quiz in chemistry (I totally blanked, so I'm sure it's a big fat F for me) and then Josie's crowd started in on me. One of her evil eagle eyed lackeys saw me out with the group Larping. So they've been snarking at me all day about how I like to dress up and "play pretend". Assholes.

Hello, I don't go looking to catch them out.
I bet if I did I'd find out that Josie blows the whole football team 3x a week (actually, I think I did hear something about that, but ....) You know what I'm saying, right?

Would it be terribly bad karma if I just begged the universe to drop a house on Josie & her clique?

CONTROL FREAAAAAAAAAAK

Yes, I'm talking about my sister.
I spent the weekend dealing with her and I am doubly glad that before my folks left on that last dig they left me in Jean's parent's care. If I had to live with Shay all the time I'd kill myself. I'd totally jump out the window or off the bridge or whatever it took to get away from her.

Let me tell you how the Sunday went:

Shay arrived at Jean's house on Saturday at 9am on the dot. Like she said she would.
Of course I wasn't quite ready, but I only had to brush my hair & change my clothes. Right? Um, no. She actually made me change my clothes into something "more acceptable". GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr. Sorry that I don't wear designer clothes, and I hate wearing high heels and crap. She actually came up to the room I share with Jean and checked my clothes! Can you believe that? >:C

Eventually she realized that I was only gonna wear Jeans & T shirts (since that's ALL my wardrobe is! And I don't have a problem with it so why should she???) I mean it's not like I have lots of money to spare. Right now I get the occasional card in the mail from grandma Trudy, but I gotta make that last, and for the holidays & my birthday Jeans parent's give me money too.
I knooooow I should get a job but Shay pushes me so hard (YES--even though she's half a state away!!) that she's made it clear I need to get the best grades possible and that I better not get a job if I don't want her making a scene. *sigh* What am I supposed to do? I said something about that to her. (Ok, it WAS under my breath, but that still kind of counts, right?).

Whatever.

Back to what she came to visit for: 
Like I said, no word on the parents.
Not that I expected any.
I think they've either fallen in with some locals, been kidnapped, or just died of some weird ass disease from picking up old bones & pots. I guess they have to be missing for another couple more years before Shay can have them legally declared dead and take their stuff (not that there's a lot, but I bet she can't wait anyway).

I know it sounds terrible but I really don't think they're alive. It's been almost 2 years now since they left...years since I had a letter or a post card or anything. Grandma Trudy says to "keep believing" but...I think she just says that because she can't accept it. Yea, it doesn't feel good to think about it. To know that I'm never gonna see them again. And yea, I do cry. I miss them both a lot, and I wish I'd been a better kid when they were around, you know. And yea, I dream about them.

Ok, ok, enough with the depressing crap. I am trying to keep focused and not be a big downer, you know?

Basically Shay came to give me a hard time about my grades (& how I'm doing in school and to push me about what I want to do about college).

My 3.89 gpa isn't enough it's got to be a 4.0 :( bleh. Who's the one suffering through freakin math and science? Huh? ME! It sure doesn't come easy and it's only as high as it is because I get tutoring. (which hello, costs money!)  Hello? I'm not even thinking about it! Next year is my senior year and I'll be taking my SATs and stuff then. I'm not gonna be all hyped about it now, why should I? Yea, I guess college would be good but...why think about it now?

Shay's given me a whole bunch of books & things that she wants me to study until the summer. She's mentioned Quinlan University a few times and entrance exams...
I don't know how I feel about that--yea, it's a great school but then, Shay'd have to remove the block on my abilities ..and then I'd have to really start _doing_ stuff with my talents. That's pretty scary IMO. I mean I saw some of the stuff Dad could do and I dunno that I want to screw with stuff like that.

I know Shay does (I mean she has to right, she teaches how to do enchantments and stuff) but me? I just think I'd screw things up or mess a spell up and just make a fool of myself (if something didn't end up ripping out my heart and eating it first). Not to mention the fact that she'd probably end up being one of my teachers, and always ALWAYS be hanging over my shoulder to see what I'm doing or telling me what to do! (I really don't know that I could stand that!!!!)


You can see what I'm saying about this, right?
Why being a writer seems like a lot safer bet? (Ok, I know a lot of stuff just from growing up and watching my folks, but do I feel confident enough to do it myself?? Hell no!) But... if I had a degree from Quinlan, I bet it'd look a lot better on a query letter to an agent. And I mean, they're a university, so they might have a good English department. I could probably take creative writing there or something...And then there's the fact that it's an expensive school. One of the ivy-leaguers & I don't want to think about it. I mean, ok, I might get some decent financial aid since Shay works there, but whatabout the rest of it?

You know, the girls would all be like Shay? *looks down nose at everyone*
All about how you dress, what you wear, what you listen to, who you like?
I bet it's horrible. Like the girls from 90210 or Gossip Girl .
Bitches w/ money & credit Cards.  I'd fit in a lot better at SUNY Geneseo.
Whatever.
That's like more than a year away.
So I'll deal with it then.
Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and the folks will come home?
Or aliens will blow up the planet.

The only thing I know is that I have a pile of 10 books from Shay and all of them are magic related. Ugh. Boooooring! At least Jean's cool about it since she knows some magic too. I bet you that's half the reason my folks let her family take me in. I don't care what Shay says about them being "lacking" class -- whatever!

She had to leave early today (Yay!) so she was gone before 2pm! Yay! I actually get a bit of the weekend for myself! She took me out shopping yesterday (or tried to) but I hated all the things she picked out, and she just kept making fat comments. So I ended up with nothing (which suits me fine).


Oh. Wait. I forgot--she bought me a can of slim-fast.
:C

In Fantasy Land: I am not subjected to morons!

Last night's gaming session was good. Larry ran the adventure and He said it was a kick-over/tweak of the beginning of the Temple of Elemental Evil. That bit the adventurers always go through before they get to the "real" adventure. It was pretty good--I've looked at that module (can you call it a module when it comes like a graphic novel?) and I would've had a hard time seeing the adventure and changes that he made in it as having the same core material. I'm looking forward to seeing what else he changes and "tweaks" as we go along.

We had a new guy join our group too. His name is Trin (not sure what it is supposed to be short for. Terrence maybe?) and he seems nice enough. Short (about 5'7?) with dark hair and glasses. He's a student at the community college and is 18. He and Jean really seemed to hit it off. Hope she doesn't get all flirty with him. It's a gaming group, you know?
I know, I know. I shouldn't give her a hard time. Besides, if he's interested...well, good for them. Since the other weekend nothing at all from Kevin. He's totally back to treating me like one of the guys (Which I guess is good, though I suppose I'm disappointed he wasn't interested after all).

 Jeff mentioned tonight that we might do a joint LARP with the group in Genesee Junction. He says it'll mean we could do some big scenes, and --heh--be able to try to set up a real court scene--cos the other group has got some nice digs. I hope that works out. But of course, if it does then I'd better get on to making some kind of fancy garb for Iskara to wear, right?

Do I have kick me on my forehead?

If I don't, maybe I should get it tattooed there.
I really, really hate high school. And I hate all the people in it.
The adults are oblivious, and the students are just assholes.

I'm not exaggerating.
I'm not.
Today, I dunno.
I expected it to be a better day than I've been having lately. Stupid me.
I wore the t-shirt that Rob brought me back from NYC. You know, the white one with the I <3 NY on it. And a pair of jeans, and my knock off chucks. (Someday, yes, someday I will have a real pair of chucks).

So whatever, I was kind of feeling half-way decent about myself, you know?
I'd only eaten 3 snickers bars this week, and I haven't had any ice cream, and no donuts.
Good, you'd think, right?
Well you know what? Eating seems to be the only thing I'm getting much enjoyment out of.
Stupid people. Stupid me -- for thinking I could just ease-along and get through it, you know?

Back to the tattoo I should get on my forehead = Josie & her crew decided I offer endless hours of entertainment value to them. Today, during lunch she had almost the whole basketball team come over to the table where I was sitting with Shaun and Marie. They were both more interested in talking about what was on tv and who was gonna get what done. And I was really just trying to snarf down my food ASAP so I could get the hell out. I hate the cafeteria. I'd rather stand outside or walk around the parking lot (or hide in the library & read) than be there.

So Josie had them come over, one and 2 at a time and say to me : "Hey, princess, wanna play dress up with us?"

Ok, I know it doesn't sound like much, or too mean, but it really is. And Kirk Talleyrand and Matt Antherton grabbed their crotches when they did it. Ugh. Not a biggie, you say?

No, it's not I guess -- if I hadn't gotten up to leave. I figured I was done eating (I hate having people watch me when I eat, and it was like super uncomfortable to have 3 tables of kids watching every mouthful I took. And making fun of me.) So I throw my legs over the bench (Will there ever be a day when schools will let us sit at real tables instead of those fold away long bench/table combos?) and stand up, when Kirk and Matt come back over. I'm sure they're just going to come out with some more stunning repartee when kirk throws his Big Gulp on me (and can someone explain to me why the jocks of the school are allowed off campus for lunch??)
ALL OVER ME!
I was soaked. And then the pretended it was an accident and handed me some napkins. He was pretending to help me so that when Mr.Hallam looked it DID look like an accident.  The worst thing? He leaned in and said "Your tits look massive when they're wet. Bet you'd love it if I came on them!"
He walked away after that and I'm afraid I looked like a total dumb ass because I'm pretty sure my mouth just dropped open.

Anyway, I ran to the bathroom after that, and tried to wash the coke out of my shirt without making it wetter (as if that was possible!). I went to my gym locker (ok, I sneaked) but I forgot that I'd taken my clothes home to wash. D'oh.

So I spent the next 4 periods wearing a clingy, mostly wet shirt and getting sniggered and snickered at. Last period was horrible since Josie and her two bitch-lieutenants were in there. I could hear them laughing at me all period. On the way out she pointed at me and I heard her make a comment about my bra.

Do I really have to go to school tomorrow? I'd like to stay home sick...

Writing ideas--maybe?

I yesterday saw this cool bird on the way to school. I think it must have been a hawk or something. It looked so interesting up there in the sky. Miles (it seemed, I guess it was probably a lot less) of uninterrupted space and freedom.

I was going to work on my novella some more...but now I'm thinking maybe I should think about the characters I want to use and what kind of story I want to tell.

What I mean is: I really enjoy the fantasy stuff, and I don't know if the stuff I write will ever be "up there". But I want to try. And I need to really commit to a plot, and some characters.  Last night I went through all my notebooks (would you guess I have almost 10 of them???! TEN!) and my notes. So many ideas but I don't do much with them, and it seemed like the ones I did do something with were pretty lame. I think it's fair to say that while I like reading "quest" and heroic fantasy, I really should leave writing it (and generating ideas for it) to other people.

I think my writing needs to be more about the characters than the places they go/things they have to do. I think. I ran across a link online to some writing tips by Holly Lisle and I'm going to check them out a little later (I've got a double studyhall tomorrow since Gym's cancelled). I'll see if she has any suggestions for getting it together and trying to write (when you feel all over the place)

Wish it would rain

Sometimes I feel so damned lonely.
It's not just that I feel cut off --my folks are gone MIA -- my grandma is half way across the country and in a nursing home...my uber-controlling sister is 200+miles away.
It hurts sometimes, to watch Jean & her family.
They all seem so love-y-friendly-happy. Even when her parents are pissed off, you can still tell that they love her and Rob. I just feel like an outsider looking in. Seeing something I'll never have/never be a real part of.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really glad that they were willing to take me in (even if, I guess my folks had arranged for them to get some money each month for doing it--like rent/ food money). It's just that I really wish I had someplace to fit in, and to really be "at home".  I guess I should look at it in the best way I can, which is it hasn't killed me (yet) so it should give me good material for when I want to write about an outcast/ unwanted character for a story.
I just wish I wasn't living it.

Yes! Yes, I AM ALL POWERFUL!

What  freakin GREAT larp session we had tonight! Woooooooooo!!!!
I had a fantastic time--and I totally kicked ass!
Can't believe how late it is. Jean & I had to sneak in super-quiet.

My character, Iskara was in on all the secret deals & got to do some spying on the other camp. It was great! No, like reeeeeeeeallly great! And Kevin commented on my gown! Woo! It's nice to know he noticed (although I know he was trying to play it off as IC, I know he was really interested OOC! Hah!
(Jean agrees with me about that.) She wanted to take a bet about how long it would take before he got the guts to ask me on a date or something. Probably a looong time. I mean outside of the group-larps I'm always in jeans and t-shirts so it's not like I stand out. Next week (if I can scrape some cash together) I'm going to try to hit Goodwill and the thrift shop on Beeker Street. I'd like to make another set of garb.

Bummer: No gaming for me!

Jean's Grandparents are coming to visit this weekend. I guess it could be worse. I mean, Shay could come to visit me (again). That would be way worse than missing a weekend gaming.
But still, I wish (since they aren't like my grandparents) that I could still go. But I know I can't. Blergh!


I guess I'll spend most of the weekend up here in the bedroom. Maybe I can try to work on some ideas for a new story. I was thinking of trying to write some S&S and see what I can get to come out. It's sort of better than gaming in one way -- which is that I have control over what happens with the plot!

Catching up

Got studyhall this morning so I'm making use of the wi-fi. I'm eating some french toast sticks & hashbrowns  from Happy Burger. Definitely Yummy even if it is all like 100% artificial! :P I have enough change to buy a frosty shake after classes and I think I'd better. I'm going to need it.

So like I predicted, the whole Valentines Day thing was lame.
The dance was horrible (I can't believe some of the dresses girls squeezed themselves into, or what some of them were doing in the tunnel between the Gym & the main HS campus. Eeeew.) I stayed for about an hour and a half but I ran into Gina and her "gang" and decided I'd find someplace else to be. Last thing I need is her making good that threat about holding me down for Kevin and Scott. Jean wasn't bothered about me leaving (since she was going to go out with Derek--they gave me a lift back to the house). Which is good. She's like my best friend and I really don't want to piss her off if I can help it.

My sister Shay is coming up to visit this weekend.*trying to contain my total lack of enthusiasm*
She's supposed to get here on Sat...Not staying with Jean's family, oh no. She's staying at one of the B&B's on the outskirts of the city. Good. If I can limit the number of times i have to wake up and see/talk to her the better.

Just thinking about seeing her (and having to spend the whole weekend with her) makes me cringe. And I just want to eat. I bet she's not going to let up about the weight I've gained since x-mas either. ugh. I mean, hello, does it matter in the long run how much I weigh?!! I want to be a writer--not an actress, or a newscaster or a model or anything that requires me to go out in public. Why can't she just let it be? Mom & dad never rode me about what I ate (or how much) so why she feels the right to do it is really -- ugh. See what I mean about she just jets my guts in a knot???

I probably won't be able to post over the weekend (at least not until sometime Sunday) since Shay will be around and she's too nosy for words. Besides she said on the phone she had some stuff to talk about and I guess I'll need to pay attention. Maybe she's heard something about where our parents are.....but I doubt it.

February Formal...Guys. Ugh.

Right now all anyone is talking about is the February Formal. Ugh! ugh! Ugh!
Getting dressed up in expensive dresses renting limos and crap. I can't think of anyone in the school (besides me) who isn't all about who's going with who.

Even Jean is talking about if Derek is going to ask her or not. She thinks I'm just being bitchy. Whatever. I mean, I don't have a boyfriend, the guys are still being assholes--so it's not like I want one of them to ask me.

I can imagine that one:
(Bryan, Kiran and Steve would be standing there in one of their clumpy groups)
Asshole#1: Uh, Raven, you wanna go to the formal?

Me: No. Not really.

Asshole#2: Why not? You could be pretty if you got a low cut dress. You got a rack under that t-shirt.

Asshole #1: Yeah, Tony said he saw you changing in gym. He bets--

Me: Fuck off

Assholes 1+2: Yeah! When?!

*sigh* I tell you school shouldn't be like this. I don't need to deal with jerks alllllll the time. I swear that's why the library is my favorite place. I can sit in there and no one can bother me. They might sit at their tables and poke fun at me--but they have to do it quietly and I can read my books or do some writing and just pretend the assholes don't exist.

And yea, for what it's worth, if there WAS a nice guy at this school--one who didn't think I was a weirdo, or fat, or just something you try to lay, I'd go out on a date. Maybe even the dance...I mean, I've never been to one before.
But there isn't.
They're all jocks, or geeks or guys who really think that they are gods gift to women. (and they're not. Someone like Garrett Hedlund, ok, yea. Or even someone like Alex Pettyfer or Logan Allerman...but these guys? What gives them the right to think they can expect ANYTHING from me? Huh?)

So No. I don't want to go to the February Formal.
I wouldn't mind a nice dress and someone handsome & romantic to take me out to dinner in it (although what would we talk about? I'd have nothing in common with anyone).

*sigh* *sigh*
Oh, yea, I turned in the House of Mirth essay yesterday. I was like one of only 10 of us who did it. Bunch of lame asses. What's even more lame was Mr.Walker extended the deadline for the rest of them to hand it in by Thursday. Jerk. Why?

Why does life have to suck?

I'm serious. Why does life always have to suck so badly?

Jean says it's mostly because my sister won't leave well enough alone. And I guess she's mostly right.  IF Shay could keep out of my business everything'd be ok. I mean it's been what--almost three years now since mom & dad left me to go to Turkey--and--1 year and 8 months since they went missing. They seemed to think leaving me with Jean's family was a good enough arrangement. Why can't Shay just suck it up?

Before you think I'm just whining for no reason--you've got to realize that I'm finally finding some friends in my classes, and Jean's parents don't mind me staying with them. So everything's good. Why break what's not broken? Huh? Why?!!

Whatever. She's so stupid even if she does have a great job & a car. She called the other night and left a message on my cell phone. She wants to talk to me--which I know means that she wants something. She either wants me to do something or she's planning on doing something. I heard Jean's mom on the phone yesterday and I think she was talking about me.....So maybe it was Shay. I dunno.

Anyway I have to get to work on my English homework. 5,ooo word essay on The House of Mirth. Bleh.