CONTROL FREAAAAAAAAAAK

Yes, I'm talking about my sister.
I spent the weekend dealing with her and I am doubly glad that before my folks left on that last dig they left me in Jean's parent's care. If I had to live with Shay all the time I'd kill myself. I'd totally jump out the window or off the bridge or whatever it took to get away from her.

Let me tell you how the Sunday went:

Shay arrived at Jean's house on Saturday at 9am on the dot. Like she said she would.
Of course I wasn't quite ready, but I only had to brush my hair & change my clothes. Right? Um, no. She actually made me change my clothes into something "more acceptable". GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr. Sorry that I don't wear designer clothes, and I hate wearing high heels and crap. She actually came up to the room I share with Jean and checked my clothes! Can you believe that? >:C

Eventually she realized that I was only gonna wear Jeans & T shirts (since that's ALL my wardrobe is! And I don't have a problem with it so why should she???) I mean it's not like I have lots of money to spare. Right now I get the occasional card in the mail from grandma Trudy, but I gotta make that last, and for the holidays & my birthday Jeans parent's give me money too.
I knooooow I should get a job but Shay pushes me so hard (YES--even though she's half a state away!!) that she's made it clear I need to get the best grades possible and that I better not get a job if I don't want her making a scene. *sigh* What am I supposed to do? I said something about that to her. (Ok, it WAS under my breath, but that still kind of counts, right?).

Whatever.

Back to what she came to visit for: 
Like I said, no word on the parents.
Not that I expected any.
I think they've either fallen in with some locals, been kidnapped, or just died of some weird ass disease from picking up old bones & pots. I guess they have to be missing for another couple more years before Shay can have them legally declared dead and take their stuff (not that there's a lot, but I bet she can't wait anyway).

I know it sounds terrible but I really don't think they're alive. It's been almost 2 years now since they left...years since I had a letter or a post card or anything. Grandma Trudy says to "keep believing" but...I think she just says that because she can't accept it. Yea, it doesn't feel good to think about it. To know that I'm never gonna see them again. And yea, I do cry. I miss them both a lot, and I wish I'd been a better kid when they were around, you know. And yea, I dream about them.

Ok, ok, enough with the depressing crap. I am trying to keep focused and not be a big downer, you know?

Basically Shay came to give me a hard time about my grades (& how I'm doing in school and to push me about what I want to do about college).

My 3.89 gpa isn't enough it's got to be a 4.0 :( bleh. Who's the one suffering through freakin math and science? Huh? ME! It sure doesn't come easy and it's only as high as it is because I get tutoring. (which hello, costs money!)  Hello? I'm not even thinking about it! Next year is my senior year and I'll be taking my SATs and stuff then. I'm not gonna be all hyped about it now, why should I? Yea, I guess college would be good but...why think about it now?

Shay's given me a whole bunch of books & things that she wants me to study until the summer. She's mentioned Quinlan University a few times and entrance exams...
I don't know how I feel about that--yea, it's a great school but then, Shay'd have to remove the block on my abilities ..and then I'd have to really start _doing_ stuff with my talents. That's pretty scary IMO. I mean I saw some of the stuff Dad could do and I dunno that I want to screw with stuff like that.

I know Shay does (I mean she has to right, she teaches how to do enchantments and stuff) but me? I just think I'd screw things up or mess a spell up and just make a fool of myself (if something didn't end up ripping out my heart and eating it first). Not to mention the fact that she'd probably end up being one of my teachers, and always ALWAYS be hanging over my shoulder to see what I'm doing or telling me what to do! (I really don't know that I could stand that!!!!)


You can see what I'm saying about this, right?
Why being a writer seems like a lot safer bet? (Ok, I know a lot of stuff just from growing up and watching my folks, but do I feel confident enough to do it myself?? Hell no!) But... if I had a degree from Quinlan, I bet it'd look a lot better on a query letter to an agent. And I mean, they're a university, so they might have a good English department. I could probably take creative writing there or something...And then there's the fact that it's an expensive school. One of the ivy-leaguers & I don't want to think about it. I mean, ok, I might get some decent financial aid since Shay works there, but whatabout the rest of it?

You know, the girls would all be like Shay? *looks down nose at everyone*
All about how you dress, what you wear, what you listen to, who you like?
I bet it's horrible. Like the girls from 90210 or Gossip Girl .
Bitches w/ money & credit Cards.  I'd fit in a lot better at SUNY Geneseo.
Whatever.
That's like more than a year away.
So I'll deal with it then.
Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and the folks will come home?
Or aliens will blow up the planet.

The only thing I know is that I have a pile of 10 books from Shay and all of them are magic related. Ugh. Boooooring! At least Jean's cool about it since she knows some magic too. I bet you that's half the reason my folks let her family take me in. I don't care what Shay says about them being "lacking" class -- whatever!

She had to leave early today (Yay!) so she was gone before 2pm! Yay! I actually get a bit of the weekend for myself! She took me out shopping yesterday (or tried to) but I hated all the things she picked out, and she just kept making fat comments. So I ended up with nothing (which suits me fine).


Oh. Wait. I forgot--she bought me a can of slim-fast.
:C

In Fantasy Land: I am not subjected to morons!

Last night's gaming session was good. Larry ran the adventure and He said it was a kick-over/tweak of the beginning of the Temple of Elemental Evil. That bit the adventurers always go through before they get to the "real" adventure. It was pretty good--I've looked at that module (can you call it a module when it comes like a graphic novel?) and I would've had a hard time seeing the adventure and changes that he made in it as having the same core material. I'm looking forward to seeing what else he changes and "tweaks" as we go along.

We had a new guy join our group too. His name is Trin (not sure what it is supposed to be short for. Terrence maybe?) and he seems nice enough. Short (about 5'7?) with dark hair and glasses. He's a student at the community college and is 18. He and Jean really seemed to hit it off. Hope she doesn't get all flirty with him. It's a gaming group, you know?
I know, I know. I shouldn't give her a hard time. Besides, if he's interested...well, good for them. Since the other weekend nothing at all from Kevin. He's totally back to treating me like one of the guys (Which I guess is good, though I suppose I'm disappointed he wasn't interested after all).

 Jeff mentioned tonight that we might do a joint LARP with the group in Genesee Junction. He says it'll mean we could do some big scenes, and --heh--be able to try to set up a real court scene--cos the other group has got some nice digs. I hope that works out. But of course, if it does then I'd better get on to making some kind of fancy garb for Iskara to wear, right?

Do I have kick me on my forehead?

If I don't, maybe I should get it tattooed there.
I really, really hate high school. And I hate all the people in it.
The adults are oblivious, and the students are just assholes.

I'm not exaggerating.
I'm not.
Today, I dunno.
I expected it to be a better day than I've been having lately. Stupid me.
I wore the t-shirt that Rob brought me back from NYC. You know, the white one with the I <3 NY on it. And a pair of jeans, and my knock off chucks. (Someday, yes, someday I will have a real pair of chucks).

So whatever, I was kind of feeling half-way decent about myself, you know?
I'd only eaten 3 snickers bars this week, and I haven't had any ice cream, and no donuts.
Good, you'd think, right?
Well you know what? Eating seems to be the only thing I'm getting much enjoyment out of.
Stupid people. Stupid me -- for thinking I could just ease-along and get through it, you know?

Back to the tattoo I should get on my forehead = Josie & her crew decided I offer endless hours of entertainment value to them. Today, during lunch she had almost the whole basketball team come over to the table where I was sitting with Shaun and Marie. They were both more interested in talking about what was on tv and who was gonna get what done. And I was really just trying to snarf down my food ASAP so I could get the hell out. I hate the cafeteria. I'd rather stand outside or walk around the parking lot (or hide in the library & read) than be there.

So Josie had them come over, one and 2 at a time and say to me : "Hey, princess, wanna play dress up with us?"

Ok, I know it doesn't sound like much, or too mean, but it really is. And Kirk Talleyrand and Matt Antherton grabbed their crotches when they did it. Ugh. Not a biggie, you say?

No, it's not I guess -- if I hadn't gotten up to leave. I figured I was done eating (I hate having people watch me when I eat, and it was like super uncomfortable to have 3 tables of kids watching every mouthful I took. And making fun of me.) So I throw my legs over the bench (Will there ever be a day when schools will let us sit at real tables instead of those fold away long bench/table combos?) and stand up, when Kirk and Matt come back over. I'm sure they're just going to come out with some more stunning repartee when kirk throws his Big Gulp on me (and can someone explain to me why the jocks of the school are allowed off campus for lunch??)
ALL OVER ME!
I was soaked. And then the pretended it was an accident and handed me some napkins. He was pretending to help me so that when Mr.Hallam looked it DID look like an accident.  The worst thing? He leaned in and said "Your tits look massive when they're wet. Bet you'd love it if I came on them!"
He walked away after that and I'm afraid I looked like a total dumb ass because I'm pretty sure my mouth just dropped open.

Anyway, I ran to the bathroom after that, and tried to wash the coke out of my shirt without making it wetter (as if that was possible!). I went to my gym locker (ok, I sneaked) but I forgot that I'd taken my clothes home to wash. D'oh.

So I spent the next 4 periods wearing a clingy, mostly wet shirt and getting sniggered and snickered at. Last period was horrible since Josie and her two bitch-lieutenants were in there. I could hear them laughing at me all period. On the way out she pointed at me and I heard her make a comment about my bra.

Do I really have to go to school tomorrow? I'd like to stay home sick...

Writing ideas--maybe?

I yesterday saw this cool bird on the way to school. I think it must have been a hawk or something. It looked so interesting up there in the sky. Miles (it seemed, I guess it was probably a lot less) of uninterrupted space and freedom.

I was going to work on my novella some more...but now I'm thinking maybe I should think about the characters I want to use and what kind of story I want to tell.

What I mean is: I really enjoy the fantasy stuff, and I don't know if the stuff I write will ever be "up there". But I want to try. And I need to really commit to a plot, and some characters.  Last night I went through all my notebooks (would you guess I have almost 10 of them???! TEN!) and my notes. So many ideas but I don't do much with them, and it seemed like the ones I did do something with were pretty lame. I think it's fair to say that while I like reading "quest" and heroic fantasy, I really should leave writing it (and generating ideas for it) to other people.

I think my writing needs to be more about the characters than the places they go/things they have to do. I think. I ran across a link online to some writing tips by Holly Lisle and I'm going to check them out a little later (I've got a double studyhall tomorrow since Gym's cancelled). I'll see if she has any suggestions for getting it together and trying to write (when you feel all over the place)

Wish it would rain

Sometimes I feel so damned lonely.
It's not just that I feel cut off --my folks are gone MIA -- my grandma is half way across the country and in a nursing home...my uber-controlling sister is 200+miles away.
It hurts sometimes, to watch Jean & her family.
They all seem so love-y-friendly-happy. Even when her parents are pissed off, you can still tell that they love her and Rob. I just feel like an outsider looking in. Seeing something I'll never have/never be a real part of.

Don't get me wrong. I'm really glad that they were willing to take me in (even if, I guess my folks had arranged for them to get some money each month for doing it--like rent/ food money). It's just that I really wish I had someplace to fit in, and to really be "at home".  I guess I should look at it in the best way I can, which is it hasn't killed me (yet) so it should give me good material for when I want to write about an outcast/ unwanted character for a story.
I just wish I wasn't living it.

Yes! Yes, I AM ALL POWERFUL!

What  freakin GREAT larp session we had tonight! Woooooooooo!!!!
I had a fantastic time--and I totally kicked ass!
Can't believe how late it is. Jean & I had to sneak in super-quiet.

My character, Iskara was in on all the secret deals & got to do some spying on the other camp. It was great! No, like reeeeeeeeallly great! And Kevin commented on my gown! Woo! It's nice to know he noticed (although I know he was trying to play it off as IC, I know he was really interested OOC! Hah!
(Jean agrees with me about that.) She wanted to take a bet about how long it would take before he got the guts to ask me on a date or something. Probably a looong time. I mean outside of the group-larps I'm always in jeans and t-shirts so it's not like I stand out. Next week (if I can scrape some cash together) I'm going to try to hit Goodwill and the thrift shop on Beeker Street. I'd like to make another set of garb.

Bummer: No gaming for me!

Jean's Grandparents are coming to visit this weekend. I guess it could be worse. I mean, Shay could come to visit me (again). That would be way worse than missing a weekend gaming.
But still, I wish (since they aren't like my grandparents) that I could still go. But I know I can't. Blergh!


I guess I'll spend most of the weekend up here in the bedroom. Maybe I can try to work on some ideas for a new story. I was thinking of trying to write some S&S and see what I can get to come out. It's sort of better than gaming in one way -- which is that I have control over what happens with the plot!