Tests Taken, Worlds forsaken

Took the stupid tests today.
I didn't throw them even though I guess I should have... I think I probably did ok on them, but they weren't really what I was expecting. I was expecting them to be more like the SATs but they were sort of--but peppered with things like the shrinks give you for personality tests. I don't know.

Anyway, the good news is that Shay's gone and it's Friday night.
Randi's gonna take me out to Denny's in a bit and after to the park, and tomorrow the group is gaming again. Thank god for that, seriously. I so need that after this week. I don't even care what we play (I don't think it'll be Ad&D this time, since last time Trin mentioned wanting to run something and he only does Sci-fi stuff. Maybe we'll play Champions or Star Wars or something. I just don't care right now. I just want to play and forget everything else.

Shay Strikes Back

I knew it was just too good to be true--that my sister, Shay was keeping quiet and (mostly) out of my life. It turns out that she's been talking to my teachers on the phone about how I'm doing and what kind of grades I've been getting. Blergh!

It's a good thing that Randi's been able to help me with the math as much as he has (although with the other stuff....not so much so.

He hasn't exactly pushed me for more, but you know.
I feel like he expects it. And I don't want to.) Huh. It's probably good that Shay doesn't know about that either--she'd probably lock me up in a nunnery somewhere after she chewed Randi to bits and spit him out.

So she's coming to town on the 16th to have a conference with my counselor, and she said something about tests I have to take. I thought she meant my finals (those are next month! Eeeek!) but now I'm not so sure.  I guess I'll find out then. But it sucks that she's going to be here. She'll be watching everything and telling me how everything I eat is going to make me fat(ter). Blergh! Like anyone cares, you know?

Something rotten in the state of Denmark

I guess I should have known that things were going too smoothly at school.
Josie & Co have started giving me a hard time again. Or at least I assume it's them. I got to school this morning and someone'd crazyglued a bunch of condoms to my locker. How gross is that? (Jean says I should just be happy they weren't used condoms! Blergh!)

I mean come on, it's not like I sleep around (I'm too afraid to. And besides, I don't think there's anyone in the whole school I'd trust to do that with. And not have it end up on youtube or prontube or whatever).

So what's brought this on?
Is it just the fact that they've left me alone long enough that I thought it was over and now they're starting it up again? Ugh. I so hate it when people screw around with me. I have enough things to worry about. Algebra for one. Finals are next month and while I'm sure I'll pass English & the rest with no problem (ok, a little unsure about my spanish) I'm worried about Math, and Chemistry since I am not concentrating so well and I keep messing up on the practice stuff.
Jean says not to let them get to me, and that if I ignore it that they'll get bored (again) and move on to someone else. I know she's right, but it still grates.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Maybe I AM living in Fantasy land!

Randi asked me out on a date! Yes, Hot-but-Mathgeek asked me out tonight! *dies with shock*
He said Iron Man 3 opens on Friday, and maybe we should go see it!???!!??????

Wow, am I like excited?
Why, yes, yes I am!

Randi's smart, hot and he's turned out to be a really nice guy (with a lot of patience when it comes to getting that algebra crap to stick in my brain!). Better yet, he's just turned 18 last week (I felt kind of bad I didn't know and gave him a card I made this week). I wonder if the card is what made him ask? So he's 18 and he's got a car--so no bussing it to the movie!
Plus, well, you know, he might just kiss me too!

Ok, now I'm sure I sound like a total dolt.
I'm going to try to focus on something else for a while! Yay! Go me!

This week could we end the world?

So much for being optimistic.
The whole Josie thing blew up and made it the week from hell. First, the whole BS with my underwear, then Shay with the tutoring *which is supposed to happen 2x a week* and then more with stupid Josie and Kirk the assholes who lord it over the rest of us nobodies.

I'm not gonna go into it all in much detail (I really would like to erase the whole thing from my brain) but it's Friday afternoon, I'm hiding in the library with my laptop, and I'm just gonna stay here for a while. Once I know most of the kids have gone home (about half an hour or so) I'll leave and catch the city bus home. Besides, I want to get this out of my system before tomorrow's gaming session.

Josie, Pam & Tina Fay cornered me in the 2nd floor girls bathroom Thursday morning. I was on a hall pass from Kimball's Algebra (My eyes were glazing over and I'm pretty sure I drooled on the desk. Yea, I was falling asleep. So I figured the best thing to do was just get up and throw water on my face etc.) Doing that's been the only thing that's kept me awake at all this semester. Something about math just makes my brain shut down.

Back to the bathroom. I was in there washing my face when who comes in but the posse? So I'm uncomfortable, but I figure I'll just brazen it out, and get back to class. I mean, what can they really do that they haven't already? (throwing soda on me, pulling my shorts down, mocking me in general) but I was wrong. There's ALWAYS something else they can do.

Tina Fay says something like :"Look what dragged itself into our Ladies Room" and of course then the other two start laughing. I shouldn't really have been afraid, but Pam's something of an amazon and I have no doubt she'd take me down without putting  a hair out of place, or breaking a nail. And her nails have a rep around school. I didn't say anything, just started for the door when Pam grabbed my shoulder and swung me around.

"Din't anyone ever tell you it's rude to turn your back?" and the next thing I know, she's got my arm twisted behind my back and is making me kneel on the floor.  It's painful. I don't care what people say about "oh it's only twisted arm, it can't hurt that much." Screw you! It hurts like a bastard! Anyway, I'm kneeling on the crappy tile floor (it's gross. Supposed to be white and green, but it's like grey and algae colored from age and too many uses).  I'm pretty sure at this point that one of them is gonna try to hit me. But no. Instead, Josie puts her face in mine and just stares at me.
I mean, wtf?
So I start thinking maybe this'll be ok.(aside from the arm thing, and the fact that my jeans are getting all icky from the floor).
I was wrong.

Tina Fay stepped forward, looked me in the eyes and then grabbed my hair and yanked my head sideways. I felt hair rip out of my head and my eyes teared up (I've made it a big thing to not cry at school if I can help it since it just makes jackals like them get more excited).

Then Josie says to me: "You're a lot of trouble, Raven. You don't really understand how kind we've been to you." I really wanted to spit in her face--you know, like the hero does in the movies--but I was pretty sure if I did I was gonna get the shit beat out of me. So maybe next time (after I study some kind of secret martial art, yea?) instead I just said "It sure doesn't seem like it from where I am."  She got this weird little smile on her face and I swear, I think she was getting off on it. Freak.
"Do you know, Kirk and his teammates are more than willing for you to entertain them. All I'd have to do is have Pammy cart you off behind the gym. Text 'em and they'd line up for a go at you. If I were a mean girl, I'd do it just to watch."


Was this for real? Was I trapped in some kind of horrible, reform school/B movie? She might do it. Like I said, Josie likes to see how people squirm. And I had no doubt that the guys on the team would be up for it. I wouldn't but I'm sure that wouldn't matter. Was Josie that screwed up? I don't know, but I knew I didn't want to take the chance. So I did what anyone (who isn't a super hero) did, which is I played the way she wanted.


"Please, I don't--please don't!" I'm embarrassed to say that the desperation that was in my voice wasn't faked. I really didn't want to end up another legend of the school. And I'm sure that people'd love to see it as a follow up to the panty show. :{ I (apparently) was reacting the way she wanted because Josie stroked my face once, and then lifted my head up by my chin. I could feel the tears in my eyes (that arm hold was really throbbing and I was afraid. I think it's ok to be afraid in that situation, don't you?)

The door to the bathroom opened and a freshman came in. I've never seen such a quick turn around and exit. So much for help from that quarter. Not that I really expected it, but it would have been nice, you know?

Josie looked into my eyes and then she slapped my face hard. Then she did it again, and  I mean like really hard. And I felt her ring scrape the skin on my face. Another slap. And another. Things went a bit screwy for me then, and I guess I must have said or did something that freaked them out because the next thing I know Josie & Tina Fay were backing up toward the door and looking all pale and scared, and Pam was lying on the ground with blood coming out of her nose. WTF?

 I tried to say something but I just stared and felt all shaky. I was trembling. The looks they were giving me were like I was going to rip their throats out or something. I didn't know about doing that--but I figured I'd take the advantage and make a swift exit.

I scrambled to my feet, shoved them both out of my way and sprinted down the corridor.
I ran downstairs to my locker, and grabbed my backpack, my laptop and snuck out of school. I took the bus to the city library. There was no way I was gonna go back to school, and I hung out there until about 7pm (Jean called to find out where I was).

I'm still not sure exactly what happened, or why, or what Josie's beef is with me, but maybe whatever it is that happened to put that look on their faces will be enough to keep her from bothering me again.
I just wish I knew what it was.

Need I say that I did NOT want to go to school today? Yea, it's friday, and yea, it's spring break next week (Yay, a week of reading and avoiding mockery & physical weirdness, thank you universe!). But I'll tell you honestly, I've been scared since yesterday. I'm on edge and shaky. Jean commented about it, and I gave her a super watered down version (nothing she can do about it so why tell her too much, you know?) and she was sure that I'd be fine and that Josie & co were just screwing with my head.

Today, I didn't hold out a lotta hope. Things didn't seem too bad. Started on a good note by the fact that Josie wasn't in homeroom. Which meant at least I didn't have to face her first thing. In fact, I didn't see her or Pam, or Tina Fay today. huh. In English I got my paper back on Vanity Fair and did ok. Ms.Hyde doesn't like to give anything over a B so getting an A- is pretty good. Got my math test back and did not get a B. I got a freakin C-.

Anyway, between 5-6th period I was in my locker and someone shoved me really hard. I hid my head on the shelf, cut my cheek AND ended up screwing up my glasses frames. So I'd had to find some tape to hold the arm back on. Assholes. I don't know how I'm going to explain that to Shay. ugh.
It's almost time to head home (can I say again, how glad I am that my last class of the day is a study hall?) and I'm going to totally eat whatever I want this weekend. I need some treats to make up for the crapload of horror this week has been.

In another 40 minutes it'll be time to leave and I'm so going to ditch the school bus, stop off at 7-11 and buy a giant ass slurpee. I deserve it!

Why do I bother?

You've got to ask yourself sometimes, why bother?
I really can't explain why I didn't skip school today.
I should have.
It'd have been a much better day, and maybe, just maybe I'd feel ok. Instead I'm here, in Jean's room, stuffing my face with hostess cupcakes, pringles, Swiss rolls and coke. And I'll probably balloon up 10 pounds next week. Oh yay.

I wish I could explain to Jean's folks what's going on. Jean gets it, but she's sort of stuck. If she opens her mouth against Josie & Co then they'll start in on her, and well, who wants that?

 So after yesterday, I really didn't think things could be worse--or more embarrassing.
I was wrong. I doubt I could have been more wrong if I'd tried.

Let me explain something. Josie Carson is evil. And she's probably one of the reasons my sister put a block on my talents before our folks went MIA. Josie lives to make people miserable. Not (IMO) because she wants to see them miserable, so much as I think she likes to see them squirm and try to cope with the problems she gives them. Now I managed to get her attention and I'm so much fun to watch that I'm getting the special treatment.

 Enter Tina Fay and Pam. In the gym hallway. Tina Fay and Pam came down the hallway between 3/4th period. It was pretty crowded with kids going to and coming out of the locker-rooms.  To be honest I wasn't really watching, since I was in a hurry to get to the locker-room myself. I like to get in and get changed before too many girls get in. I don;'t like changing in public, you know? I had my clean gym clothes with me in my back pack and I was just hoping since it was raining we'd do some free-play in the gym instead of v-ball or something spaztic like dodge ball.

I really should have paid attention.
I got into the girls locker-room and I threw my bag down and started to change.
I was hurrying up--shucking off my jeans, slipping on my shorts and then the fast-pull off of my sweater and on with the school tee shirt (Go Panthers! *not!*) anyway, I was trying to hurry back into the gym (through the hallway again) and wondering if Marie was going to be in class today (since she was my preferred gym partner)  and the next thing I know someone's got my shorts and I feel like a little kid. I'm trying to move forward----but no movement.
It dawns on me about the same time the air hits my ass that there are hands --well Tina Fay and Pam had grabbed and yanked and my shorts were down and everyone could see super-clearly my wal-mart granny panties. I yanked my shorts back up and shoved past the pair of them, but I know anyone who was in the hall would have seen.

The rest of the day I kept getting asked if I was going to start modeling for Victorias Secret--or if the secret was the size of my pants! I'm so embarrassed, angry and frustrated. I'd kill Tina Fay in a heartbeat if she was in front of me and I could get away with it. But as it is, I know that Josie put her and Pam upto it, told them to do it. I'm sure there are photos of it on youtube or facebook by now.

I'm just glad it's friday, and I don't have to face those jerks for the weekend.  Jean's trying to cheer me up, and suggested we hit JoAnn Fabrics tomorrow. She thinks we might find some new trim to put on our larping garb. Right now though, I wish I could just be invisible for the rest of the school year.

CONTROL FREAAAAAAAAAAK

Yes, I'm talking about my sister.
I spent the weekend dealing with her and I am doubly glad that before my folks left on that last dig they left me in Jean's parent's care. If I had to live with Shay all the time I'd kill myself. I'd totally jump out the window or off the bridge or whatever it took to get away from her.

Let me tell you how the Sunday went:

Shay arrived at Jean's house on Saturday at 9am on the dot. Like she said she would.
Of course I wasn't quite ready, but I only had to brush my hair & change my clothes. Right? Um, no. She actually made me change my clothes into something "more acceptable". GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr. Sorry that I don't wear designer clothes, and I hate wearing high heels and crap. She actually came up to the room I share with Jean and checked my clothes! Can you believe that? >:C

Eventually she realized that I was only gonna wear Jeans & T shirts (since that's ALL my wardrobe is! And I don't have a problem with it so why should she???) I mean it's not like I have lots of money to spare. Right now I get the occasional card in the mail from grandma Trudy, but I gotta make that last, and for the holidays & my birthday Jeans parent's give me money too.
I knooooow I should get a job but Shay pushes me so hard (YES--even though she's half a state away!!) that she's made it clear I need to get the best grades possible and that I better not get a job if I don't want her making a scene. *sigh* What am I supposed to do? I said something about that to her. (Ok, it WAS under my breath, but that still kind of counts, right?).

Whatever.

Back to what she came to visit for: 
Like I said, no word on the parents.
Not that I expected any.
I think they've either fallen in with some locals, been kidnapped, or just died of some weird ass disease from picking up old bones & pots. I guess they have to be missing for another couple more years before Shay can have them legally declared dead and take their stuff (not that there's a lot, but I bet she can't wait anyway).

I know it sounds terrible but I really don't think they're alive. It's been almost 2 years now since they left...years since I had a letter or a post card or anything. Grandma Trudy says to "keep believing" but...I think she just says that because she can't accept it. Yea, it doesn't feel good to think about it. To know that I'm never gonna see them again. And yea, I do cry. I miss them both a lot, and I wish I'd been a better kid when they were around, you know. And yea, I dream about them.

Ok, ok, enough with the depressing crap. I am trying to keep focused and not be a big downer, you know?

Basically Shay came to give me a hard time about my grades (& how I'm doing in school and to push me about what I want to do about college).

My 3.89 gpa isn't enough it's got to be a 4.0 :( bleh. Who's the one suffering through freakin math and science? Huh? ME! It sure doesn't come easy and it's only as high as it is because I get tutoring. (which hello, costs money!)  Hello? I'm not even thinking about it! Next year is my senior year and I'll be taking my SATs and stuff then. I'm not gonna be all hyped about it now, why should I? Yea, I guess college would be good but...why think about it now?

Shay's given me a whole bunch of books & things that she wants me to study until the summer. She's mentioned Quinlan University a few times and entrance exams...
I don't know how I feel about that--yea, it's a great school but then, Shay'd have to remove the block on my abilities ..and then I'd have to really start _doing_ stuff with my talents. That's pretty scary IMO. I mean I saw some of the stuff Dad could do and I dunno that I want to screw with stuff like that.

I know Shay does (I mean she has to right, she teaches how to do enchantments and stuff) but me? I just think I'd screw things up or mess a spell up and just make a fool of myself (if something didn't end up ripping out my heart and eating it first). Not to mention the fact that she'd probably end up being one of my teachers, and always ALWAYS be hanging over my shoulder to see what I'm doing or telling me what to do! (I really don't know that I could stand that!!!!)


You can see what I'm saying about this, right?
Why being a writer seems like a lot safer bet? (Ok, I know a lot of stuff just from growing up and watching my folks, but do I feel confident enough to do it myself?? Hell no!) But... if I had a degree from Quinlan, I bet it'd look a lot better on a query letter to an agent. And I mean, they're a university, so they might have a good English department. I could probably take creative writing there or something...And then there's the fact that it's an expensive school. One of the ivy-leaguers & I don't want to think about it. I mean, ok, I might get some decent financial aid since Shay works there, but whatabout the rest of it?

You know, the girls would all be like Shay? *looks down nose at everyone*
All about how you dress, what you wear, what you listen to, who you like?
I bet it's horrible. Like the girls from 90210 or Gossip Girl .
Bitches w/ money & credit Cards.  I'd fit in a lot better at SUNY Geneseo.
Whatever.
That's like more than a year away.
So I'll deal with it then.
Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and the folks will come home?
Or aliens will blow up the planet.

The only thing I know is that I have a pile of 10 books from Shay and all of them are magic related. Ugh. Boooooring! At least Jean's cool about it since she knows some magic too. I bet you that's half the reason my folks let her family take me in. I don't care what Shay says about them being "lacking" class -- whatever!

She had to leave early today (Yay!) so she was gone before 2pm! Yay! I actually get a bit of the weekend for myself! She took me out shopping yesterday (or tried to) but I hated all the things she picked out, and she just kept making fat comments. So I ended up with nothing (which suits me fine).


Oh. Wait. I forgot--she bought me a can of slim-fast.
:C